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When we are attracted to someone else it is usually for one of two principal reasons: either we perceive a similarity between us and them or we anticipate a complementarily. The similarity theory suggests that the person we are most attracted to will be very like us in many respects: looks, height, personality, background, taste in music, star sign, religion, you name it. The greater the number of shared understandings courting couples identify the more they imagine sharing their space and building a long-term relationship together. Research into successful long-term relationships supports this view.

The complementary theory suggests that we seek a lover who has the qualities we miss in ourselves. In forming a bond with someone who complements us we become "complete". From the esoteric point of view the desire of men and women to form a couple origins in the primordial attraction between feminine and masculine, or yin and yang, in order to discover the Unity or in other words the glorious state of androgynous.

The ideal is a combination of these two contrasting positions - an integration of "sameness" and "differentness". However, during the early stages of a romantic encounter, we do automatically highlight the qualities of sameness. This express itself in two forms: the first is with postural echoes and the second is in mirroring behavior.

Posture echo is when one person takes up a particular body posture and the other follows them, moving to adopt a similar or even identical posture between five and 50 seconds later. If you notice that someone has echoed your posture you can be sure that they are comfortable in your company and probably attracted to you too. You can test how interested they are in being "like" you by deliberately changing your body position and noting if they follow you the change. The more they follow you the more interested they are.

You do not have to initiate the postural changes - you can follow the other persons movements. This will have the effect of sending them a strong signal of sexual interest. However, if they keep changing positions as soon as you follow them, they may be sending you an unconscious "not interested" message, or they may be saying "You are going too fast, slow it down a bit, please". In any case, back off both physically and non-verbally.

The real art is to echo the other persons posture without copying them exactly. It is possible to suggest the same stance without mimicking it exactly. The effect is to capture the spirit of the position of the other person. By doing this you are moving towards mirroring.

As you become attracted to someone you begin to tune into their wavelength and, if the feelings are mutual, they tune into yours. Some couples report that after only a short time together they seem to be able to think and move synchrony. It is as if they have become one person, reaching for their drinks or folding their arms simultaneously, leaning forwards or back like choreographed dancers.

Research has shown that people who are very much in love, automatically develop this ability to tune in to the smallest movement. We mirror tiny facial twitches; nods and blinks; lip tremors, tone and accent of voice, speed of speech; tiny head nods or shakes; small shoulder shrugs; hand gestures and non-verbal vocal sounds, like "mmmmhh" and "ooooh".

Mirroring takes two main forms: if your lover has their right elbow on a table at which you are sitting face to face you can either put your left elbow on the table to match your lovers right elbow (full mirroring) or you can put your right elbow on the table (half mirroring). When sitting opposite each other eating a meal a couple can half mirror by lifting forks to mouths in synchrony.

  ITS TIME FOR PRACTICE:
How can you use mirroring to your own advantage early on? The art is to speed up the process by deliberately increasing the degree of echo and mirroring behavior. This has the effect of exaggerating the positive feelings of attraction that may already be developing. Sometimes you may discover yourself mirroring someone to whom you were not sure of feeling attracted. An increased sense of self-awareness is one of the most valuable skills you can develop when you are learning to enhance your non-verbal communication skills. If you can manage to ignore all the different thoughts that are whirling around in your head and focus your attention instead on what your own body language is telling you, you will find yourself increasingly attracted towards people who are also attracted to you.

Do not forget that the way to become expert in all these different skills is through application and practice. Once you become conscious of your own and other peoples pointing, blocking, context, posture echo and mirroring, new worlds of communication open up for you. With practice anyone can become a far more accurate interpreter of what other people are thinking and feeling.

Look at the world around you: watch the television with the sound turned down. Try studying your favorite actors and analyze their body language. What is there about it that you like so much? What are their most sensuous movements? Can you replicate them?

If you have a video camcorder, make films at parties or at public places like railway stations or airports, where there are hundreds of romantic greetings and farewells every day. If you are feeling really brave you can ask a friend to video you at a party. You will be self conscious to start with but after a time you will forget the camera is on you. Later, analyze your own body language when you are interacting with members of the opposite sex, and theirs too. You will very soon be able to identify various elements of the secret non-verbal language about which you have been reading.

The world is your very own private university, full of information for you to learn.
With care, you can establish a romantic, attraction-filled episode from the first moment you meet someone.